


The Great Zapdos Hunt: A Post-Modern Excision

by NoirIblis



Category: Pocket Monsters | Pokemon - All Media Types
Genre: F/F
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-06-12
Updated: 2018-06-12
Packaged: 2019-05-21 06:00:32
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,220
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14909693
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/NoirIblis/pseuds/NoirIblis
Summary: This is technically the first appearance of Beaglesaurus, but this madcap adventure was nothing compared to what he would become. Readers enjoy!The fiasco at the Cheesecake Factory was because Baka wanted a married couple's discount, but was denied because she was single & because she had melted the salad bar with her laser visionI don't see how that couldn't have been clearer





	The Great Zapdos Hunt: A Post-Modern Excision

Baka leans her arms out of her yurt first, checking her skirt & eating some Go-Gurt, "Smells like a good day to hunt the most legendary of Pokemon available on Pokecord, the only bot on Discord that also sells Pokemon to the higher bidder. Little did she know, on the other side of Mt. Moon, resided the ancient hermit who knew all about the pure art of Magic-Fu, the strongest form of Fu available to anyone with a Fu-Manchu. The hermit's name was lost to time & record, so she just kinda made one up when she met Baka. Baka was like "Ah fuck, I fucked up big time!" as the Hermit approached her, chanting angrily in a vicious Cyrillic language. 

As Baka tried to regain her composure, she combed back her brown hair with two hands & whipped a huge knotted rope in an advanced European fighting stance, "Did someone say **brushed mango professors**?" The Hermit just shrugs  & was like "Seriously da fuck? I mean, what are you even talking about, homeslice?" 

Baka was like "So what's your name, hot stuff?" The Hermit tosses Baka's red locks out of her face & turned her back on her, then turned both arms at a 90 degree angle with dual finger-guns & looked back with a smirk "You can call me Neko...AND PIE!" she said as she started twisting her butt in a hula-hoop motion. Despite how this might have made her look like a huge ridiculous ass, this was yet another of her legendary fighting tactics. As Baka was distacted by her weird butt-wiggle, a sharp spark glinted off of Neko's belt & the rope flew out of Baka's hand & whipped into the sky.

**Part 2: The Upset**

The rope struck Earth's Greatest Hero, the Superior Man, and he was like "Fuck, ah shit...who threw that? I mean, I'm **Earth's Greatest Hero** , but shit that was a dick move!" Neko shrugged and was like "Too legit to quit this shit" & starts waving her hands in the air like she was both shrugging & saying "You wanna try me, bitch?" in one dancing motion. "These moves are **too funky fresh** for you!" she whispers as her lips push towards Baka's ears. Baka gasped  & fell to her knees "Ah, fucking dick-squirrels. These moves are **too fucking funky fresh**!" She bellowed. The bees began to congregate on Mt. Moon as the Pokemon grew to vibrate in the midsummer heat. They started grunting like animals because...I mean Pokemon are animals. That's like...first day stuff people. 

Three days later, their battle wasn't finished because they had taken a break & gone to Moe's Mexican Grill for their unlimited chips & salsa. Baka's mouth has grown small & chapped around the edges, the salt from the chips had made it painful. She had trained so much in this time with those salty chips. They were just too goddamn salty, they cut the edge of your mouth, fuck. I mean, they're unlimited yeah, but they don't taste _that_ good! You gotta even pay for cheese, but you can get unlimited salsa for free. But is it really worth it? Baka was like "Fuck, I guess so." Neko nodded wisely "Now you've learned the First Lesson of **Muscle Mystery**. Soon you will be able to turn anything into a **Sexy Circle** " she said, mysteriously, because it was a mystery.

Nearby, the Great Zapdos Hunt continued as Beaglesaurus had fallen into a tiger trap. Baka blushed as she saw she had caught a much _sexier_ kind of beast  & hauled him up in the net, "Well now...It sounds like _someone_ wouldn't do _anything_ for that Klondike Bar..." she said as she started to peel a lemon. Neko shook her head in disgrace  & started peeling a lime, "You will never bring your family honor this way, Baka." Baka nodded, "I know...but it's kinda funny though." Neko was like "Yeah, that was a hot spoo right in that tippy-tang!" They laughed for forty minutes straight until Beaglesaurus' tail ended up catching the switch beneath the tiger trap. Baka's eyes narrowed "Shit...He's...pretty smart." Baka started to eat a handful of jelly from her backpack & screamed into the jelly. The jelly was good at muffling her deep inner rage.

**Chapter 3: The Chapter Where the Zapdos Hunt ends**

The Superior Man lit up a cigarette as he gave Beaglesaurus a small lick on his neck, "No one can know of this. I'm **Earth's Greatest Hero** & everyone knows that neo-robot dinosaur/hero love has been forbidden until the Zapdos Hunt can be finished. Until we can finally be free of the tyrant's reign that is the Zapdos. Just then, Baka ate another lemon & was driven into a frothy fury as she started to take her hat off. The hat was too big to contain her knee-length blue hair as she started whipping it around in circles like Sindel from Mortal Kombat 3. "This is a **video game reference** " She bellows. Neko landed behind her, her toenails freshly painted... _in **blood**_ "More like a **JOjO reference** amirite, lol?" She asked. Baka turned pale as she realized all she knew was wrong. There were no tyrants. There was no Zapdos. The Hunt was all for naught. The Zapdos was a complicated metaphor for her own deep inner turmoil  & how much she couldn't respect herself after that accident at that Cheesecake Factory. "Neko...can you teach me to be like Frampton? Can you teach me to come alive?! My tainted love has given! He's Toxic! I'm **slipping under**!"

Neko shuffles her feet on the floor as Superior Man was struck with a fatal wound. "Oh shit, I wasn't expecting this because I didn't have any character development!" He said as the **real Zapdos** appeared! Baka was like "Oh fuck, I thought it was just a metaphor!"  & Neko's eyes widened. She was kinda into this idea, but Zapdos just wasn't ready for that kind of committed relationship. Zapdos' mighty wings spread, electricity cackling down from them in a deadly cascade of lightning as he picked up Beaglesaurus by the tail "You wanna go somewhere. Maybe rub a moose? I make some pretty good pickles. I could make you a pretzel shirt." Beaglesaurus was ready to blast right there as he got weak in his dino-knees, "Oh... ** _fuck yes_** " he roared in dinosaur language. Neko solemnly nodded, understanding his dinosaur language. "That wasn't very fucking cash money of you, you hot butt-salad" she says as the Zapdos took off to the stars. Clearly, the Hunt was over...then Neko just threw a jart into Zapdos' wing & the mighty bird fell into the Rock Tunnel without HM Flash, trapping him there forever, "Ah piss! I those were made illegal in the 70s due to child-danger laaaaaaaaaws!" Neko helped Baka up & started to pour the dirt into her mouth, "GODDAMN IT LIVE DON"T DIE

Baka woke up, cause she super wasn't dead & was like "How did you get jarts?" & Neko was all like "I bought them from Europe & assembled them at home along with jewel CD cases for minimum wage. I'm fucked up like that, fam!" & Baka & Neko were soon married. They were really into this idea, cause it meant they could get a discount at Cheesecake Factory. Baka was finally truly avenged...and the Great Zapdos Hunt...was still over.... The End?

**Author's Note:**

> This is technically the first appearance of Beaglesaurus, but this madcap adventure was nothing compared to what he would become. Readers enjoy!
> 
> The fiasco at the Cheesecake Factory was because Baka wanted a married couple's discount, but was denied because she was single & because she had melted the salad bar with her laser vision
> 
> I don't see how that couldn't have been clearer


End file.
